What life has taught me.

My beautiful wife told me today that next to her father I'm the smartest person she knows. I think that's so sweet of her. And it's kind of funny. Funny how others see you differently than you see yourself.

I don't really know a whole lot of things. Below is what I do know (Or at least think I do) and how I came to know it. It's long so I won't blame you if you want to skip to the bullets at the bottom and just cut to the chase. If not, then read on and get to know me a little better.

Like my wife Stacey, I'm an only child. Born to two simple country people that moved to the city to find their fortunes. That may sound romantic to some but it really wasn't. I know that my mother and father loved each other, but there was little romance.

My mother was from Kentucky and she was 24 when she met my dad who was 35. He, an illiterate from West Virginia worked in a stamping plant in Detroit, and still lived with his parents because he couldn't read enough to make it on his own. Mom married him mostly because he was kind to her and she thought that at 24 she was an old maid.

I know this because my mother told me. She talked to me a lot about her life when I was a child. I don't think she really expected me to remember any of it, or understand. It was just that she was mostly a lonely and melancholy housewife who needed SOMEONE to talk to.

My father likes to romanticize their past and believes that it was some great love story. And to his perceptions it probably is. He is a simple person with simple needs and pleasures. As long as there is no strife he's happy. For once in my life I'm glad that he can't read. That way he'll never find this. Not for any money in the world would I want to shatter his illusions. My mom passed away in 1990 and now that I'm grown up, married and on my own I think that sometimes his illusions are all he has to keep him company.

When I was a teenager I hated his guts. Now that I'm a man, (or what I pass off as one.) I love him dearly.

Mom died when I was 14 years old. This left me taking care of my dad from then on out and my childhood ended. But in truth it actually ended the year before once Mom was too sick to do anything. I hated my dad for not being able to be a parent to me. I hated that he had a learning disability. Sometimes to this day I hate my family for not stepping in to help me. They didn't care though and in part I understand, they had their own lives to live I guess.

On New Years Day 1993 my Dad went on what my Mom would have called a "Kelley fit" and beat me in my bed in the pre-dawn hours of the morning. The struggle of a father and his teenage son had reached a point where he just couldn't handle it anymore.

This time my mom's side of the family tried to help a bit. They took me to one of my cousin's house for a few days to let my Dad and I "cool off". While I was gone, the police were called and when my Dad talked to them he told them that I was this crazy teenager that was out of control. The police never even talked to me to see what happened, they took Dad at his word even though he'd beat me so bad that his right hand was swelled up like an overripe fruit.

While I was still at my cousin's house. One of them, whom will remain nameless, tried to make me "fess up" that I had instigated the whole situation and admit that it was all my fault. I felt so alone.

But not as alone as two days later when I packed some of my favorite belongings into my gym bag and left the house. Dad thought I was just going to school, but I was running away from home. I did go to school that day however, I told my guidance counselor about what had happened and he wanted to put me into a boy's home or foster care. This terrified me so I snuck out of school before anything could be done.

I eventually ended up living with an aunt from my dad's side of the family. She took me in but I don't really think it was because she cared as much as she let on. Don't get me wrong I DO think she did care to an extent. But I think that what motivated her to move me in, was my $400 a month social security check.

Life at my aunt's house was far from ideal. Her only son dropped out of school that first year I lived with them and began to spend all his time smoking pot and partying. A few of my other cousins soon began to live at my aunt's house too and it was drug and party central all the time.

I remember laying in bed on school nights miserable because the noise in the living room was so loud that I couldn't get to sleep. Laying there watching the hours tick by till it was time to get up and go to school. I would often have to step over people passed out on the floor as I'd make my way to the front door to leave.

My Aunt didn't really care all that much, she was never there. She spent 90% of her time with her drunk ex-husband and only came home once a week to do laundry. Often she wouldn't even be home for the whole day. She'd come home in the morning, do the laundry and then leave in the evening to be with her ex for another week.

I appreciated that my Aunt took me off the street, but I also hated her and my cousins. It surprises me now that I had the good sense to at least finish High School. Wasn't smart enough to go to college though but oh well "them's the breaks" as some say.

The silver lining was the Garcia family. Their son was friends with my cousin and for no known reason but true kindness the father of that family reached out to me. His name is George, and he's everything my dad was not. Smart, articulate, imaginative, and most importantly he was accepting.

I would spend every minute I could at the Garcia house. Whenever school was out for the summer they would let me stay at their home until it started up again. The same for all the holiday breaks and weekends. George would set up late at night talking with me, playing video games and teaching me about computers and ham radios.

I did finish High School eventually, two years late because of the time I missed when my mother was sick and dying and the depression that I fell into afterward.

Once I finished school I finally succumbed to temptation and began to party and experiment with drugs with my cousins.

I wasted about a year of my life stoned on pot or tripping on acid. But eventually God got through to me and made me realize that I didn't want to live my life that way. I was able to break out of those bad habits with the only hold over being a pack a day cigarette habit which I'm still trying to break.

I finally moved out of my aunt's house to a place of my own and almost made the mistake of marrying the wrong girl. It was a very co-dependent relationship that I had with her, and most of it was based upon lies. Mine. I was willing to do or say anything just to be accepted.

God thankfully broke me out of that situation as well. Well, to be truthful he had to drag me kicking and screaming out of it. I had no clue what I wanted except to be accepted and in some kind of relationship, any kind of relationship so that I wouldn't be alone.

The next couple of years were really tough. Although I cried and complained the whole time, God began to teach me that I didn't NEED others to be O.K. with myself, I only WANTED others.

At the same time, I began to really struggle with O.C.D. though I didn't know that was what was wrong with me at the time. I thought that I had committed the unpardonable sin and it was driving me crazy. It was all that I could think about and looking back upon that time I do not know how I continued to function and hold a job.

I was nearly at the point of suicide before I got help. But it did do one good thing for me. When I thought that I was damned beyond all hope of redemption it made me realize that the ONLY one I really needed to be O.K. was God. It was also during this time that my real Dad and I began to heal our relationship and that I came to love him again.

Finally around 2005 I met Stacey, on the internet of all places. She and I hit it off very quickly and I realized that I really was in love this time. Fearful of repeating my past mistakes I worked diligently to be open and honest with her about everything.

And I do mean everything.

The only person who knows more about me than Stacey is God I think.

I expected her to turn away in disgust but to my total surprise she didn't. She says that the flaws that I reveal to her makes her love me more because I'm real. (Me, real, go figure.)

Anyway, the rest is history as they say. Stacey and I were wed on May 3rd 2006 in the same back yard where my parents had their wedding reception 30 years prior. Is that romantic? It is to me and Stacey at least, and I guess that's all that matters.

Has it been happily ever after? No. We've had our arguments and trials like everyone does. And we continue on, leaning on God to help and guide us.

So why have I written this enormously long post? I forget....Oh yes! I was going to talk about what life has taught me. Not much, but I thank God for what I DO know, and I guess this is it.

• Anyone can to ANYTHING. Good or bad. Those horrible things that you tell yourself you would NEVER do? Oh yeah, in the right set of circumstances we ALL would. So it's best to do what you can (I know that it's hard.) not to judge someone else or look down on them.

• It's also good not to have too high of an opinion of yourself based on what you have done and wouldn't do. All it takes is for one small tiny thing to change everything you THINK you know about yourself.

• There are no heros. Only people, be you a bum, millionaire or a priest it makes no difference. I've seen preachers who beat their kids and atheists who are wonderful people. In the end we're all the same, just people, and were very imperfect. The only true hero you can have and trust in is Jesus Christ. The rest of us are "just plain folks".

• True family is what you make it. Your uncle can be a stranger to you and your coworker can actually be the best brother you've ever had. So love whatever family you have because whether their your uncle of your coworker they are precious.
  

• True love is a choice, NOT a feeling. No one falls in love, you fall in a mud puddle or off a ladder. Whether you think you do or not you choose to love someone. Even if you don't know when or how you made the choice. To me, choosing to love someone even when you know just how messed up they really are is true romance.

• Your feelings can sometimes be liars. If you believe a lie long enough you can have truly strong feelings that back it up. But that doesn't make it true. The truth can sometimes feel fake and alien because of the strangeness of it, or because of the lies we've believed. But if you ignore the feelings and discard the lies, God can help your feelings to catch up with what is really true. The most saintly people I know often say they feel like such horrible sinners.

• You can't make anyone do anything. You can't change anyone but yourself and that's going to be much harder than you think. Without God most of the changes you make are for the worst or superficial. So what makes you think that your special or smart enough to make someone else change?

• Jesus is Lord. Whether you acknowledge Him as so or not, He is sovereign over all. No matter how out of control life may seem God is still in control. Luckily for us He loves us and died for our sins and rose again. But He's wise enough not to make you believe in him. He wants you to choose to believe in and love him. That's the only way it can be real.
• Lastly, this post is way too long. If you've read this far you deserve a medal, so I'll close and say "Goodnight."
  

More Wicked

I still can't say enough about this wonderful Musical. From the moment I heard "What Is This Feeling" I was hooked. If we do make a trip to Chicago to see this show I'll probably have it all memorized by then.

So here's another clip from the show. Enjoy...

Wicked

Wicked, the Broadway Musical. Have any of you ever seen it?

I'd heard of it on the radio once a long time ago but never paid much attention. The other day I was on a message board and someone posted a link to a song from it. From the minute I heard it I was hooked.

Wicked is the story of the Wicked Witch of the west from the Wizard of Oz. It tells about how she got that title. It also tells how she and Glenda the Good became best friends. The parts I've found on Youtube are very funny and interesting. And the songs are great.

Stacey and I have discussed it and we are now in the process of planning a trip to Chicago sometime in the near future to go see Wicked. I can't wait, I think that this has actually replaced My Fair Lady as my favorite musical of all time.

Below is one of the numbers from the show performed for a UK benefit. This scene is from the beginning of the story where the two witches are assigned as roommates in college.

Life Is Like A Vapor

I got a call Tuesday night from my Aunt Liz with startling news. She'd called to tell me that my cousin Alice was in the hospital and not expected to live. This news came as such a shock! I hadn't even heard that she was sick and now she was about to die?!

Sure enough the next day she was gone. A week before she had been fine as far as she and everyone else knew. A harsh reminder to me that tomorrow is not promised to any of us. This is why the bible says that TODAY is the day. We can't smugly rest assured that we have a tomorrow just because things are going well.


A little about my "Aunt" Alice.

Alice was my mom's best friend when I was a child. She married my dad's cousin, Cecil a few years prior to my parents marriage and she and my mother really hit it off. They spent several days a week together throughout most of my childhood. And somehow I grew up calling her "Aunt" even though she was really a cousin.

I'd bet one of the reason that my mom and her became friends was because of her hospitality. Aunt Alice had a way of making you feel welcome in any situation. The way I've always seen her is as a true southern belle. She was always so beautiful with her jet black hair and kind demeanor.

Alice loved children. Be it her grandchildren or a child of one of her friends she always had time to talk to them and give them gifts. Many of my best presents when I was a kid came from my Aunt Alice.


Many people will say good things about someone else once they pass away just because they are gone, but that's not the case here. Monday I was scanning some of my mother's old photos to burn to a DVD when I came across Aunt Alice's photo. My wife happened to be in the room and comment on her and I stopped and was telling her many of these same things I've written here. So what I'm writing about her here aren't some sentimental musings because she's died. It's my true opinion of her and always has been.

I only wish that I had taken the time to tell her how much she meant to me. But I made that arrogant mistake of thinking that tomorrow was guaranteed.

Today we went to her funeral. It was really hard to see her there surrounded by pictures of her great-grandchildren and her beloved Elvis. That woman was a die hard Elvis fan by the way. There were family there that I hadn't seen in over fifteen years or more. Somehow it seemed to make the whole thing seem so surreal.

Alice and her daughters Joan (left) and Theresa (right)

I don't know her exact age but Aunt Alice was somewhere in her mid sixties, which is part of the reason her passing comes as such a surprise. She was always so vital and energetic that I would have thought she'd have outlived most of us well into her ninety's.

On a slightly more positive note, it was really good to see so many family members I hadn't seen in years. Stacey really enjoyed all their old tales about my childhood. And when Joan, Alice's oldest daughter started telling Stacey about changing my diaper when I was a baby and joking about my baby butt I couldn't help but laugh out loud.

One of my cousin's Sheila who's about the same age as I and one of my original playmates gave Stace all kinds of dirt on me. I think it's cute how Stacey ate it all up.

Stacey was very kind and supportive throughout this and I'm very grateful to God for giving me such a sweet and understanding wife. Loosing my Aunt Alice just serves to make me all the more grateful for those that I love.

Aunt Alice, I love you and I'll truly miss you.

Caution: Men At Work

Well if I had to choose one word to describe today it would be LOUD!!!!

We are getting our house insulated, so all I've heard today is the grinding of drills, the noise of generators and the banging of hammers. This place really needed it though, during the early part of spring the furnace ran almost constantly, and our gas bill was enormous.

We've already had work done on the furnace when we moved in. So short of buying a whole new one (which we can't afford.) we decided to check and see about insulation. We got about 5 different quotes but everyone said the same thing. That the house was very poorly insulated.

So Stacey and I are hoping this will give us some relief, and I'm sure it will. They really put a heavy coat of insulation in the attic, so if that's any indication of what's inside the walls we should be all set for winter.

I really have to say a big thank you to my father who financed the whole project. He heard that we were getting estimates and offered to pay for the whole thing! Now that was a blessing.

Update: A Death In The Family

Yes I'm back after leaving this page in blog limbo for about a month. A lot has happened in that time and some of it is the reason that I haven't posted an entry in such a long while.

Any of you who read my wife's blog know most of what I'm going to discuss here, if not your in for a bit of drama.

A little over a month ago I found out I was going to be a father. This idea both excited and terrified me at the same time. Stacey was a bit late with her period and kept blowing it off while I had a hunch that maybe she had conceived. Finally, after using a store bought test Stacey visited a clinic and we received the good news.

My first thoughts were elation, followed by the realization of how immature and selfish I am. Well now it truly was time for me to grow up. No more time to be selfish, I was going to have to care for not only my wife but also a child. I immediately grew excited and wanted to tell all of my friends and family, while Stacey wanted to sit on the news for a while and keep it secret until she was farther along.

This was part of the reason I haven't posted in so long. I found it increasingly hard to think of anything but our upcoming parenthood. So naturally I wanted to blog about it and that would tell the "secret" that Stacey wanted to keep under wraps for a bit longer. So I just avoided my blog altogether.

We began discussing baby names and had come to an agreement on one if it was a girl. (Which is what I was hoping for.) Stacey in her uncanny ability to be organized no matter what the circumstances are, began to change her diet and make quiet plans. I am so proud of her.

Then came the lay-off at work. Yes I am STILL laid-off! This could not have come at a worse time! Here we're about to experience a life change that will be financially taxing in our life and I am no longer the primary bread winner of the household.

My employer claims that they will have me come back as soon as work picks up. But in today's economy there's no guarantee that it will for a long time. I work in the automotive industry and it's been rocked to it's foundations the last few years.

But I digress, Stacey was going to have a baby! As the weeks passed, we began to grow more and more excited about the idea. We began to discuss turning the study into a nursery and told our parents and some friends at church the good news.

Then, while I was taking care of some business out of town in West Virginia with my Father, I got a phone call from my wife. She had just come home from an urgent care clinic because she was experiencing heavy bleeding and cramping. They told her that it was just a bladder infection but I knew better.

I immediately canceled the rest of my plans with my Dad and jumped into the car for the 8+ hours home to be with my wife. I knew that it was very likely that she was loosing the child. I went through a million different emotions on that drive home, and uttered more prayers for my wife and child than I can recall. I made record time getting home that day, and it's only by the grace of God that I didn't end up with a ticket or worse.

It's the most horrible feeling in the world to know that your wife is going through an emotional and physical crisis and your not there to be with her. And it's the most wonderful feeling to finally get there and scoop her up into your arms and know that she's O.K.

She was O.K. physically, but the baby was lost. After days of tests and doctors visits that had our hopes going up and down, we got the definitive answer. Stacey had miscarried.

My heart broke that evening as I held my wife in my arms while she cried and mourned the loss. I felt like it was my fault somehow. Maybe I hadn't been happy enough and God had passed judgment somehow? But I think that these feelings are only natural considering the circumstances.

I'm eternally grateful that my wife is o.k. and comforted by the fact that we can try again someday for another child. I'm not complaining, but I've had plenty of hard knocks and made plenty of mistakes in my life. Grief is an old friend that I'm well acquainted with. I know many ways of dealing with it, both constructive to destructive. But up until now it's only been something I've had to deal with as a solo act.

But it hurts me to my very core to see the grief and pain that my wife is going through. Her pain hurts more to me than the loss itself. I never got to hold our baby in my arms. I never knew the smell of it's skin. It's easier for me to deal with this loss than of someone I've seen and known.

Stacey has the kindest and most generous heart of ANYONE I've ever known in my life. She is the most passionate giver that I've ever seen. As soon as I knew her, I loved her, and knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life caring for and protecting this angel in disguise. But now I feel helpless and like I've failed her.

I can't protect her from this pain. If I could hurt in her place I most gladly would. I want to "fix" this but I can't. And I can't heal her, only God and time can. I can only pray that He will use me to be a comfort and encouragement to her while He heals this wound.

Please pray for Stacey and I as we deal with this time of our lives.