What life has taught me.

My beautiful wife told me today that next to her father I'm the smartest person she knows. I think that's so sweet of her. And it's kind of funny. Funny how others see you differently than you see yourself.

I don't really know a whole lot of things. Below is what I do know (Or at least think I do) and how I came to know it. It's long so I won't blame you if you want to skip to the bullets at the bottom and just cut to the chase. If not, then read on and get to know me a little better.

Like my wife Stacey, I'm an only child. Born to two simple country people that moved to the city to find their fortunes. That may sound romantic to some but it really wasn't. I know that my mother and father loved each other, but there was little romance.

My mother was from Kentucky and she was 24 when she met my dad who was 35. He, an illiterate from West Virginia worked in a stamping plant in Detroit, and still lived with his parents because he couldn't read enough to make it on his own. Mom married him mostly because he was kind to her and she thought that at 24 she was an old maid.

I know this because my mother told me. She talked to me a lot about her life when I was a child. I don't think she really expected me to remember any of it, or understand. It was just that she was mostly a lonely and melancholy housewife who needed SOMEONE to talk to.

My father likes to romanticize their past and believes that it was some great love story. And to his perceptions it probably is. He is a simple person with simple needs and pleasures. As long as there is no strife he's happy. For once in my life I'm glad that he can't read. That way he'll never find this. Not for any money in the world would I want to shatter his illusions. My mom passed away in 1990 and now that I'm grown up, married and on my own I think that sometimes his illusions are all he has to keep him company.

When I was a teenager I hated his guts. Now that I'm a man, (or what I pass off as one.) I love him dearly.

Mom died when I was 14 years old. This left me taking care of my dad from then on out and my childhood ended. But in truth it actually ended the year before once Mom was too sick to do anything. I hated my dad for not being able to be a parent to me. I hated that he had a learning disability. Sometimes to this day I hate my family for not stepping in to help me. They didn't care though and in part I understand, they had their own lives to live I guess.

On New Years Day 1993 my Dad went on what my Mom would have called a "Kelley fit" and beat me in my bed in the pre-dawn hours of the morning. The struggle of a father and his teenage son had reached a point where he just couldn't handle it anymore.

This time my mom's side of the family tried to help a bit. They took me to one of my cousin's house for a few days to let my Dad and I "cool off". While I was gone, the police were called and when my Dad talked to them he told them that I was this crazy teenager that was out of control. The police never even talked to me to see what happened, they took Dad at his word even though he'd beat me so bad that his right hand was swelled up like an overripe fruit.

While I was still at my cousin's house. One of them, whom will remain nameless, tried to make me "fess up" that I had instigated the whole situation and admit that it was all my fault. I felt so alone.

But not as alone as two days later when I packed some of my favorite belongings into my gym bag and left the house. Dad thought I was just going to school, but I was running away from home. I did go to school that day however, I told my guidance counselor about what had happened and he wanted to put me into a boy's home or foster care. This terrified me so I snuck out of school before anything could be done.

I eventually ended up living with an aunt from my dad's side of the family. She took me in but I don't really think it was because she cared as much as she let on. Don't get me wrong I DO think she did care to an extent. But I think that what motivated her to move me in, was my $400 a month social security check.

Life at my aunt's house was far from ideal. Her only son dropped out of school that first year I lived with them and began to spend all his time smoking pot and partying. A few of my other cousins soon began to live at my aunt's house too and it was drug and party central all the time.

I remember laying in bed on school nights miserable because the noise in the living room was so loud that I couldn't get to sleep. Laying there watching the hours tick by till it was time to get up and go to school. I would often have to step over people passed out on the floor as I'd make my way to the front door to leave.

My Aunt didn't really care all that much, she was never there. She spent 90% of her time with her drunk ex-husband and only came home once a week to do laundry. Often she wouldn't even be home for the whole day. She'd come home in the morning, do the laundry and then leave in the evening to be with her ex for another week.

I appreciated that my Aunt took me off the street, but I also hated her and my cousins. It surprises me now that I had the good sense to at least finish High School. Wasn't smart enough to go to college though but oh well "them's the breaks" as some say.

The silver lining was the Garcia family. Their son was friends with my cousin and for no known reason but true kindness the father of that family reached out to me. His name is George, and he's everything my dad was not. Smart, articulate, imaginative, and most importantly he was accepting.

I would spend every minute I could at the Garcia house. Whenever school was out for the summer they would let me stay at their home until it started up again. The same for all the holiday breaks and weekends. George would set up late at night talking with me, playing video games and teaching me about computers and ham radios.

I did finish High School eventually, two years late because of the time I missed when my mother was sick and dying and the depression that I fell into afterward.

Once I finished school I finally succumbed to temptation and began to party and experiment with drugs with my cousins.

I wasted about a year of my life stoned on pot or tripping on acid. But eventually God got through to me and made me realize that I didn't want to live my life that way. I was able to break out of those bad habits with the only hold over being a pack a day cigarette habit which I'm still trying to break.

I finally moved out of my aunt's house to a place of my own and almost made the mistake of marrying the wrong girl. It was a very co-dependent relationship that I had with her, and most of it was based upon lies. Mine. I was willing to do or say anything just to be accepted.

God thankfully broke me out of that situation as well. Well, to be truthful he had to drag me kicking and screaming out of it. I had no clue what I wanted except to be accepted and in some kind of relationship, any kind of relationship so that I wouldn't be alone.

The next couple of years were really tough. Although I cried and complained the whole time, God began to teach me that I didn't NEED others to be O.K. with myself, I only WANTED others.

At the same time, I began to really struggle with O.C.D. though I didn't know that was what was wrong with me at the time. I thought that I had committed the unpardonable sin and it was driving me crazy. It was all that I could think about and looking back upon that time I do not know how I continued to function and hold a job.

I was nearly at the point of suicide before I got help. But it did do one good thing for me. When I thought that I was damned beyond all hope of redemption it made me realize that the ONLY one I really needed to be O.K. was God. It was also during this time that my real Dad and I began to heal our relationship and that I came to love him again.

Finally around 2005 I met Stacey, on the internet of all places. She and I hit it off very quickly and I realized that I really was in love this time. Fearful of repeating my past mistakes I worked diligently to be open and honest with her about everything.

And I do mean everything.

The only person who knows more about me than Stacey is God I think.

I expected her to turn away in disgust but to my total surprise she didn't. She says that the flaws that I reveal to her makes her love me more because I'm real. (Me, real, go figure.)

Anyway, the rest is history as they say. Stacey and I were wed on May 3rd 2006 in the same back yard where my parents had their wedding reception 30 years prior. Is that romantic? It is to me and Stacey at least, and I guess that's all that matters.

Has it been happily ever after? No. We've had our arguments and trials like everyone does. And we continue on, leaning on God to help and guide us.

So why have I written this enormously long post? I forget....Oh yes! I was going to talk about what life has taught me. Not much, but I thank God for what I DO know, and I guess this is it.

• Anyone can to ANYTHING. Good or bad. Those horrible things that you tell yourself you would NEVER do? Oh yeah, in the right set of circumstances we ALL would. So it's best to do what you can (I know that it's hard.) not to judge someone else or look down on them.

• It's also good not to have too high of an opinion of yourself based on what you have done and wouldn't do. All it takes is for one small tiny thing to change everything you THINK you know about yourself.

• There are no heros. Only people, be you a bum, millionaire or a priest it makes no difference. I've seen preachers who beat their kids and atheists who are wonderful people. In the end we're all the same, just people, and were very imperfect. The only true hero you can have and trust in is Jesus Christ. The rest of us are "just plain folks".

• True family is what you make it. Your uncle can be a stranger to you and your coworker can actually be the best brother you've ever had. So love whatever family you have because whether their your uncle of your coworker they are precious.
  

• True love is a choice, NOT a feeling. No one falls in love, you fall in a mud puddle or off a ladder. Whether you think you do or not you choose to love someone. Even if you don't know when or how you made the choice. To me, choosing to love someone even when you know just how messed up they really are is true romance.

• Your feelings can sometimes be liars. If you believe a lie long enough you can have truly strong feelings that back it up. But that doesn't make it true. The truth can sometimes feel fake and alien because of the strangeness of it, or because of the lies we've believed. But if you ignore the feelings and discard the lies, God can help your feelings to catch up with what is really true. The most saintly people I know often say they feel like such horrible sinners.

• You can't make anyone do anything. You can't change anyone but yourself and that's going to be much harder than you think. Without God most of the changes you make are for the worst or superficial. So what makes you think that your special or smart enough to make someone else change?

• Jesus is Lord. Whether you acknowledge Him as so or not, He is sovereign over all. No matter how out of control life may seem God is still in control. Luckily for us He loves us and died for our sins and rose again. But He's wise enough not to make you believe in him. He wants you to choose to believe in and love him. That's the only way it can be real.
• Lastly, this post is way too long. If you've read this far you deserve a medal, so I'll close and say "Goodnight."