Update: A Death In The Family

Yes I'm back after leaving this page in blog limbo for about a month. A lot has happened in that time and some of it is the reason that I haven't posted an entry in such a long while.

Any of you who read my wife's blog know most of what I'm going to discuss here, if not your in for a bit of drama.

A little over a month ago I found out I was going to be a father. This idea both excited and terrified me at the same time. Stacey was a bit late with her period and kept blowing it off while I had a hunch that maybe she had conceived. Finally, after using a store bought test Stacey visited a clinic and we received the good news.

My first thoughts were elation, followed by the realization of how immature and selfish I am. Well now it truly was time for me to grow up. No more time to be selfish, I was going to have to care for not only my wife but also a child. I immediately grew excited and wanted to tell all of my friends and family, while Stacey wanted to sit on the news for a while and keep it secret until she was farther along.

This was part of the reason I haven't posted in so long. I found it increasingly hard to think of anything but our upcoming parenthood. So naturally I wanted to blog about it and that would tell the "secret" that Stacey wanted to keep under wraps for a bit longer. So I just avoided my blog altogether.

We began discussing baby names and had come to an agreement on one if it was a girl. (Which is what I was hoping for.) Stacey in her uncanny ability to be organized no matter what the circumstances are, began to change her diet and make quiet plans. I am so proud of her.

Then came the lay-off at work. Yes I am STILL laid-off! This could not have come at a worse time! Here we're about to experience a life change that will be financially taxing in our life and I am no longer the primary bread winner of the household.

My employer claims that they will have me come back as soon as work picks up. But in today's economy there's no guarantee that it will for a long time. I work in the automotive industry and it's been rocked to it's foundations the last few years.

But I digress, Stacey was going to have a baby! As the weeks passed, we began to grow more and more excited about the idea. We began to discuss turning the study into a nursery and told our parents and some friends at church the good news.

Then, while I was taking care of some business out of town in West Virginia with my Father, I got a phone call from my wife. She had just come home from an urgent care clinic because she was experiencing heavy bleeding and cramping. They told her that it was just a bladder infection but I knew better.

I immediately canceled the rest of my plans with my Dad and jumped into the car for the 8+ hours home to be with my wife. I knew that it was very likely that she was loosing the child. I went through a million different emotions on that drive home, and uttered more prayers for my wife and child than I can recall. I made record time getting home that day, and it's only by the grace of God that I didn't end up with a ticket or worse.

It's the most horrible feeling in the world to know that your wife is going through an emotional and physical crisis and your not there to be with her. And it's the most wonderful feeling to finally get there and scoop her up into your arms and know that she's O.K.

She was O.K. physically, but the baby was lost. After days of tests and doctors visits that had our hopes going up and down, we got the definitive answer. Stacey had miscarried.

My heart broke that evening as I held my wife in my arms while she cried and mourned the loss. I felt like it was my fault somehow. Maybe I hadn't been happy enough and God had passed judgment somehow? But I think that these feelings are only natural considering the circumstances.

I'm eternally grateful that my wife is o.k. and comforted by the fact that we can try again someday for another child. I'm not complaining, but I've had plenty of hard knocks and made plenty of mistakes in my life. Grief is an old friend that I'm well acquainted with. I know many ways of dealing with it, both constructive to destructive. But up until now it's only been something I've had to deal with as a solo act.

But it hurts me to my very core to see the grief and pain that my wife is going through. Her pain hurts more to me than the loss itself. I never got to hold our baby in my arms. I never knew the smell of it's skin. It's easier for me to deal with this loss than of someone I've seen and known.

Stacey has the kindest and most generous heart of ANYONE I've ever known in my life. She is the most passionate giver that I've ever seen. As soon as I knew her, I loved her, and knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life caring for and protecting this angel in disguise. But now I feel helpless and like I've failed her.

I can't protect her from this pain. If I could hurt in her place I most gladly would. I want to "fix" this but I can't. And I can't heal her, only God and time can. I can only pray that He will use me to be a comfort and encouragement to her while He heals this wound.

Please pray for Stacey and I as we deal with this time of our lives.