Stacey thinks it's hilarious, but lately I'm feeling old. Yes, I know, I'm only 32 years old, but now with a baby on the way, I feel like my life is over.
What I mean is this, now that I'm going to be a father, I have to be more focused on his life and future dreams than my own. The best, most noble use of my energy will be to focus on improving Josiah's quality of life. To me, it's very important that he have a Father who gives him his full attention whenever possible. I feel that there will be little to no time to pursue my own dreams.
I fear that I've wasted my life up until now. Ever since I've been a child I've loved to draw, and I always took it for granted that someday I would eventually succeed in making a career out of it. But the last several years life has become so busy and distracting for me that I've allowed drawing to fall by the wayside. I always intend to set some time aside to sketch but when that time comes I'm too tired (Or maybe lazy is a more honest word.)
Now, Josiah will be coming into our lives and I want to give him all the love and attention that I can. I want to carry as much weight in caring for him as I possibly can. I don't want Stacey to feel like she's being left to do it all on her own.
I know that I've never seen him or held him yet but I already love Josiah so much that I can't put it into words. I can hardly wait to hold him for the first time. I find myself standing around at work sometimes just wondering what color his eyes will be and grinning like a fool.
I want to give him the world and the very best of myself. And because of that I feel like there will never be any time for my own personal interests or pursuits. And that makes me feel old.
Does this make me a bad person? Does it mean that as far as my own aspirations in life go that I'm a failure? These are the things that I'm struggling with, even as my pulse races at the thought of seeing my baby boy.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I do understand what your saying and I have felt old since I was 18 if that makes since to you. But I think that your dreams do not have to end. You love to draw and just maybe Josiah will also and you can teach him everything you know. I believe that it is important not to push our dreams off on our own kids but if he has an interest then you can help him build on it and then his dreams will become yours in a way that you want to do everything possible to help him make his dreams come true and for every accomplishment that he makes it is like you have made it also. Like for me I used to love playing clarinet now that Alyssa said she was interested and we got her the Clarinet I watch her struggle to play and I show her what I can and when she played her first true note and I seen the Joy in her eyes that made me so happy honestly I wanted to cry. But there will be time for you still. Stacey is a great wife and I am sure she will not let you lose your whole self you both should set aside a little time even if it is one day a month that you two do a daddy day or a mommy day where either of you just go and do what ever you enjoy in peace and quiet and the other takes your son and enjoys the day with him maybe at a park or a movie or whatever cool things kids will like in the not so far future. Well just a little food for thought. Love ya lots cuz and I think that you will see that your dreams are not lost but just starting to develope and change :)
My new post will probably make you laugh and make you wish our parents were like me so we would not have to plot ways to stay home LOL.
Post a Comment